LIFE

Those days when nothing seems to go right. That was my day yesterday. Gah!! I just couldn’t pull it together, no matter how hard I tried. I’m down a wingman since my husband is out of town this week. I mean…even when he’s here…I’m doing, doing, doing…it seems like around the clock. My husband is a very hands on dad. He is in the trenches with me for the most part. But, the fact is, I have a lot more on my plate. I am the homeschooler and primary caretaker for the tiny people when he is at work.  Anyway, being the big shot I am, I thought I was pretty equipped to handle this week on my own. Enter…reality check.
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There’s no other time of year that I detest living in South Florida more than fall. To put it quite simply, fall ceases to exist down here in these parts. It’s not fall here. And that, seriously affects my mood. I get a bad case of the blahs. This is why I haven’t posted lately. Not that I have run out of ideas, I’m just so unmotivated lately. Blah.

So today this package arrives. At first, I didn’t realize it was for me. My husband has caught my Amazon Prime bug and has been using it to order all of his boring stuff. Like wires and computer chips. BUZZKILL. Anyway, this package wasn’t from Amazon, but from Penguin Group…one of the world’s largest publishers. I’m sure you have at least one of their books in your house.
A couple months ago, a suggested post showed up randomly in my Facebook newsfeed. It was a post from Penguin Kids about Dragons Love Tacos. You might remember, I put together a backyard shadow puppet show, based on Dragons Love Tacos.  I clicked through the advert and on a whim I posted on their page how much we love that book. I also included a link to my blog post about the party. Turns out, they loved it! They asked if they could send me some books for inspiration and if they could share what I designed. Um…yeah!

This package couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m completely inspired by all of these adorable books they have sent me. I can’t wait to start this project and share with everyone!

I’ve never been really any good at taking time for myself. Even pre motherhood. Whenever I find myself with free time, I always seem to find something to do, that really has nothing to do with taking some me time. What’s wrong with me? Can I get a clue please? I think now more than ever, especially with my homeschooling undertaking, it is crucial that I take time for myself. I’m not talking about going out by myself or with girlfriends. Yes, that is great too…and I love it every bit as much. No, what I’m talking about is being alone in my house. All. By. Myself.

Well, the opportunity presented itself yesterday when my husband was going out to watch football. It just so happens, a friend stopped by and invited us to watch the game with her and her husband. Me, not really caring about football, declined, but then she offered to help Chris with the kids if he wanted to bring them along. Yes, my husband needs help, where as I manage 3 on a daily basis. I know..right? I thought, great…I’ll send Jacks and Savannah along. Thinking it might be a little too much trouble to send Annie, I’ll just keep her home with me. She can be a teensy bit of handful at times…um…actually, all the time. I tend to be my own worst enemy in relinquishing control over the kids. I feel if I’m not there, then I can’t be in control of the situation. I kept thinking my husband will get too involved in the game and one of my babies would go missing. But then, I realized he is completely capable of taking care of these children, and besides, they all really wanted to go. Plus, my friend was there as his back up. So, I did something I rarely do. I let him walk out of our house with all three kids. GASP!

I was alone in my house for almost FOUR hours.  As soon as they left, I drew the shades and closed all the shutters. I wasn’t going to risk anyone knowing I was home. Then, that’s when the crazy thoughts started creeping in. Let me just pick up a little…I thought. Then, I’ll cook dinner while they’re gone, so it will be ready when they get back...and I could really get a lot of laundry done too. It’s a sickness I tell you! It’s like I have something to prove. Like I need to prove to my husband and kids that I don’t need to take any down time? Like I need to take care of them at every opportunity? I sat there for a minute debating…knowing if I did those things…there would be no accolades for me and I would have wasted perfectly good alone time. Whoopity do da…Mom cleaned and cooked again! I mean honestly, how many times can I wow them with that horse and pony show? So, I took one look at my mess of a house and said, “Not happening!” Instead, I poured myself a heaping glass of wine and went on a self induced Netflix binge.

It was beyond glorious! Besides wine, there was skipping, a Josh Duhamel movie, and lots of giddy laughter. Clearly, I have been denying myself. Momma’s had a taste of the good life and she’s staking her claim for more. Of course, in theory, that sounds sublime. Now, I just need to make it happen.

It’s been quiet around here these last couple of weeks. I’ve had my hands full with projects, homeschooling, and just endless amounts of life duties in general, so I’ve been left with no time to blog. I constantly struggle with my time constraints. I don’t know how to explain it, except to say it’s like I’m at war with myself. My only me time comes after 10:00 pm. Sometimes, even later than that. I have non sleeping children. In case you parents of sleeping children are wondering…yeah it blows. Just to get them to sleep, is a time suck. I’m not talking 5 minutes. On average, it’s a two hour ordeal. Chris will usually lie down with Jacks and Savannah until they’ve fallen asleep. I have to stay with Annie in our room, or else she keeps the other two up with her night time antics. Antics such as naked banshee screaming around the house, pooping in the undies, peeing on the floor, pooping ON the potty {please don’t confuse that with pooping IN the potty}. Then, there is the general night time chatter that has no end in sight.  So, when I finally have time for me…I’m just too exhausted.

Obviously, I realize I could have much bigger problems. My complaint on the scale of complaints is relatively low, but still legit. I love being around my kids. I am blessed beyond measure to have these three loves in my life. But, I also love NOT being around my kids.  I am around them all day. All the day long! Yes, I’m the crazy momma who just started homeschooling. Even though homeschooling gives me less time for myself, I absolutely love it.  Still, I am human and…there’s no way to sugarcoat this, but my kids get on my nerves. The way I explain it to my husband is, if they aren’t in bed early enough and then they get up too early the next morning, there hasn’t been enough time for me to fully recover from yesterday. I’m starting a new day already a little resentful. Then it just starts building. Imagine how that goes after living the same loop day upon day. Week after freaking week. It goes like this…I flip my shit. I lose my marbles. I wig out.

So yeah…I lost it last week.  I couldn’t look at one more drawing, read one more book, make one more Santa list {hello…we are in September!}, hear Mommy one more time, make one more breakfast, lunch, or dinner, clean up one more breakfast, lunch, or dinner, reprimand the same child for the same thing again, pick up another toy, clean up another potty mess, listen to more crying, more whining, hold my pee for another two hours again. Nope I just couldn’t cope…so I wigged.  There was yelling, sobbing, ugly crying, and erratic hand and arm movements. I’m sure I looked like a real piece.  I had my own little private showing of The Lunatic Monologues, or so I thought. Somewhere mid-wig, I got an Amazon Prime delivery. We have glass front doors and when approached, you can easily see a Mom getting wiggy with it.

I felt so bad. I was full of regret. I self medicated with Reese’s peanut butter pumpkins, then went to bed with a load of Mom Guilt. When all I really wanted to do was binge watch Damages, instead I had all these thoughts running through my head. Why can’t they just listen? How do these other Mom’s do it? Do their children sleep? Do they secretly lose it? Do their kids get on their nerves? Am I bad Mom for saying my kids get on my nerves? Glenn Close is a force! I really shouldn’t have had so many pumpkins. Big. Huge. Sigh. I know my kids are loved to the nth degree, more importantly they know it. I know, they have probably forgotten all about my little episode. So, I should ease up on my internal Mom bashing. I know I just had a bad day. I know one day I will miss this. I will not miss “this”, but I will miss this part of their lives. I know, one day never, I’ll be the perfect Mom. For now, good enough Mom and barely hanging on Mom will have to do. I know this will be okay. I also know to pull my shades the next time I lose it.