It’s been quiet around here these last couple of weeks. I’ve had my hands full with projects, homeschooling, and just endless amounts of life duties in general, so I’ve been left with no time to blog. I constantly struggle with my time constraints. I don’t know how to explain it, except to say it’s like I’m at war with myself. My only me time comes after 10:00 pm. Sometimes, even later than that. I have non sleeping children. In case you parents of sleeping children are wondering…yeah it blows. Just to get them to sleep, is a time suck. I’m not talking 5 minutes. On average, it’s a two hour ordeal. Chris will usually lie down with Jacks and Savannah until they’ve fallen asleep. I have to stay with Annie in our room, or else she keeps the other two up with her night time antics. Antics such as naked banshee screaming around the house, pooping in the undies, peeing on the floor, pooping ON the potty {please don’t confuse that with pooping IN the potty}. Then, there is the general night time chatter that has no end in sight. So, when I finally have time for me…I’m just too exhausted.
Obviously, I realize I could have much bigger problems. My complaint on the scale of complaints is relatively low, but still legit. I love being around my kids. I am blessed beyond measure to have these three loves in my life. But, I also love NOT being around my kids. I am around them all day. All the day long! Yes, I’m the crazy momma who just started homeschooling. Even though homeschooling gives me less time for myself, I absolutely love it. Still, I am human and…there’s no way to sugarcoat this, but my kids get on my nerves. The way I explain it to my husband is, if they aren’t in bed early enough and then they get up too early the next morning, there hasn’t been enough time for me to fully recover from yesterday. I’m starting a new day already a little resentful. Then it just starts building. Imagine how that goes after living the same loop day upon day. Week after freaking week. It goes like this…I flip my shit. I lose my marbles. I wig out.
So yeah…I lost it last week. I couldn’t look at one more drawing, read one more book, make one more Santa list {hello…we are in September!}, hear Mommy one more time, make one more breakfast, lunch, or dinner, clean up one more breakfast, lunch, or dinner, reprimand the same child for the same thing again, pick up another toy, clean up another potty mess, listen to more crying, more whining, hold my pee for another two hours again. Nope I just couldn’t cope…so I wigged. There was yelling, sobbing, ugly crying, and erratic hand and arm movements. I’m sure I looked like a real piece. I had my own little private showing of The Lunatic Monologues, or so I thought. Somewhere mid-wig, I got an Amazon Prime delivery. We have glass front doors and when approached, you can easily see a Mom getting wiggy with it.
I felt so bad. I was full of regret. I self medicated with Reese’s peanut butter pumpkins, then went to bed with a load of Mom Guilt. When all I really wanted to do was binge watch Damages, instead I had all these thoughts running through my head. Why can’t they just listen? How do these other Mom’s do it? Do their children sleep? Do they secretly lose it? Do their kids get on their nerves? Am I bad Mom for saying my kids get on my nerves? Glenn Close is a force! I really shouldn’t have had so many pumpkins. Big. Huge. Sigh. I know my kids are loved to the nth degree, more importantly they know it. I know, they have probably forgotten all about my little episode. So, I should ease up on my internal Mom bashing. I know I just had a bad day. I know one day I will miss this. I will not miss “this”, but I will miss this part of their lives. I know, one day never, I’ll be the perfect Mom. For now, good enough Mom and barely hanging on Mom will have to do. I know this will be okay. I also know to pull my shades the next time I lose it.