I don’t do the shark thing…

I am openly terrified of these things: serial killers, improperly cut chicken, paper cuts, and being eaten by a shark.  Just for clarification purposes, my for real, “things I’m terrified of” list, is way longer. Way. Listen y’all, I’ve seen Jaws…more importantly, I’ve seen Open Water and Shark Week. I don’t do the shark thing.

This year for Mother’s Day, we went to the beach. I love the beach. It’s the one perk of living in Florida. It was a gorgeous day and I was all set to spend the day soaking up the sun with my family. Then, a well meaning passerby asked us if we had noticed the school of stingrays swimming about 20 yards out. Indeed, we had. Then Chris told me he said…they’ve been drawing the bull sharks closer to shore. But, what I heard was…YOU WILL DIE IF YOU GO IN THE WATER! A SHARK WILL EAT YOU!

Before we had kids, my husband and I used to vacation in The Keys during lobster season. I remember one time, we took the boat out to an awesome snorkeling spot. The water is crystal clear, so you can see straight to the bottom in shallow waters. There were no sharks around the boat. What about under the boat? I had just seen something on the news about a man who jumped off his dock…right into the path of a bull shark. Chris couldn’t convince me to jump in. But then, after I suggested there might be a bull or tiger shark lurking in the shadow of the boat, he wouldn’t jump in either. I remember he suggested we jump together. I told him he should jump in first. He’s stronger, so naturally he had a better chance of fighting off the hypothetical shark. Made sense to me. In the end, we did jump together.  He probably didn’t realize this then, but I jumped slightly over him…leaving him closer to the dark shadows. Sorry babe, I just couldn’t take the chance. But, you didn’t get eaten that day…so no hard feelings ok?

Also before we had kids, we used to go to the beach by boat a lot. This meant you had to anchor the boat a little ways out and swim to shore.  I remember he used to tell me, don’t worry about sharks,  just shuffle your feet to avoid any stingrays hidden in the sand. I’m thinking, what the hell..when did this become all Discovery Channel? No…we are gonna do this old school. I’m piggyback riding all the way to shore.  At this point in our relationship, the shark clause had already been established. Mostly, because of the whole “let’s jump together” routine in The Keys. No. It was decided {mostly by me} that if anyone was going to get eaten by shark, it would have to be Chris…because, I don’t do the shark thing. 

Thankfully, none of us got eaten by a shark yesterday. That would have really put a damper on all subsequent Mother’s Days. Instead, the kids played in the surf {close to shore}, seashelled, and hunted for sand fleas. It was a great day, mostly thanks to my husband, AKA shark bait.

I was mid post writing this, then I stopped to check Jackson’s take home folder.

 

That’s me in the back using my overhead, claw arm move to push Chris down. See the “bolshark” headed towards him? I just love this kid and his positive outlook. The sky is still blue, the sun still shines, and the giant orange seagulls still fly…even when Mommy feeds Daddy to the sharks.

There is a lesson to be learned here. Do not take me to the beach with you. I will not save you from the sharks. I will however, use you to springboard myself to shore and leave you to your shark fighting business. I’m sorry, I just don’t do the shark thing.